One thought, one voice, Mine!

When you are thrown a challenge in your life you either stand and fight or run screaming in the other direction. Sometimes you hide behind what ever crutch you find or favor. To hide seams like the easy way out but that can make things worse. Especially if your crutch got you into the situation in the first place. For me my crutch- or comfort- was food. I am an emotional eater no question about that. When i am bored, tired, happy, sad, depressed, or what ever mood i have a food i liked to eat. I gained weight and lost weight over the years. I have tried so many fad diets that i could tell you about most of them. I have tried diet pills, many different programs, fads, and just not eating sweets. I have tried limiting my self and only eating healthy food. I have tried many things over the years, nothing worked for long. Weight Watchers worked the best but it is a life change. You have to continue to do the program or you gain it back. I had no staying power so i gave up easily. My doctor stood in front of me and said,

"you have a choice to make now. You have degenerative disc disease , two herniated discs, and have had surgery on the last disc in your back. The surgery should have taken some of the stress off your pain. However you are in worse pain and have gained 50Lbs in a couple years. If you keep up this way you are not going to be able to move and will be in a wheel chair. You need to change something. You have lost a lot of your muscle due to non use and it is making things worse. You need to make a change."

I just shook my head and walked away.. well hobbled away. I was in so much pain that I was taking serious pain pills. I was taking hydro codone 750-500 and flexeril 10 milligrams. I was taking 1 pill 3 times a day as needed for pain and muscle spasms. I hit rock bottom. There was no where else to go. I had no where else to fall. I did not go anywhere or do anything without complaining. I could not turn in bed with out hurting or waking up. The pain was unbearable and i cried myself to sleep most nights. I looked at my husband whom was walking daily and he was feeling so much better then he had. I looked at my friend Dotty and saw how she felt better due to walking. I could not even look at myself in the mirror. Looking myself in the eyes was impossible. I hated what i had become and what i looked like. I felt lower then dirt. Finally one day i decided to made a change. Just one small change to start. It took me 1.5 hours to walk 1mile and it hurt really bad. But i did it. On August 29th, 2012 i started my life change. You see i realized that is the only thing that would work. It had to be flexible, non limiting, and fulfilling. It took me hitting my rock bottom for me to do it. As of today i have lost 47 pounds and 41 inches over all my body. I can now walk anywhere and not hurt. I feel it when the weather changes. Or if i do something stupid like lift too much. But i like working out so much that i have joined a fitness club and do the elliptical stepper and some weight lifting machines.
It was not easy at all. It was a hard long road to get this far. You see i kept on listening to what other people thought of me or of what i did. That was so wrong. Only one persons thoughts matter...One Thought. I was also hearing all these voices repeating in my head. Echos of other peoples thoughts resounding through my head. Also so wrong. Only one voice mattered...One Voice. I was so busy listening to what other people were saying that i did not hear  the one thought or voice that mattered. MINE! I thought it over and made that my focus phrase to keep me on my toes. Keep me focused. ONE THOUGHT, ONE VOICE, MINE! I refuse to hit that point again. I keep these thoughts in my head. It is still very hard to do what i need to. I fight my mind to get myself to the gym. If anyone tells you loosing weight is easy then they seriously have not tried. No matter what diet plan or diet pills may say when they advertise i am telling you that it takes hard work and exercise. It takes dedication and focus and determination. If you loose it too quickly then you just put it back on just as easily. I know this is not what we all want to hear however i am living proof that it is worth it and can  change your life. I would exercise and repeat my focus phrase. If i got off focus or tempted or upset i would repeat my focus phrase. If I can do it, anyone can.

Some time to relax

We all need time to relax and unwind away from the stress of our jobs or even our lives in general. For me listening to music and reading a good book or writing with a good cup of coffee. This helps me to forget my troubles and enter another world for a bit. With my favorite mix of music playing in my ear I can ignore all the noise from the kids arguing about who gets to use the game system next or just their loud playing. When I am reading a good book or writing I can leave my world behind and envelop myself in another life. To me it is like a mini vacation with out all the stress of traveling.

When we get really stressed out from things that happen in our lives we need away to unwind and let the stress melt away. We all have our own way of unwinding and relieving stress. We need it so we do not explode and hurt someone or start a fight with a stranger we are not really upset with. In my humble viewpoint, this is how some incidents of road rage start or even some arguments. People let the stress of the day get to them and have no way to relax or let the stress out so it builds until they hit their limit and can not take anymore. At that point the next person who comes up to them with any issue at all is going to be in trouble and it will not take much. I think every one should find what helps them unwind in a harmless manor. It would make the world a much better place for everyone.

Hard day at the office

This phrase means different things to different people. To me it means 12 days in a row between the next two weeks. With my degenerative disc disease and how busy it is in my department right now that means lots of stress and aggravation. I love what i do, don't get me wrong.  However, when you have to balance out helping the team members , hiring , training , interviews, orientation, payroll, along with reorganizing the whole area, you get 100 hours of work in a 40 hour week. I try not to take the stress home with me. I also try not to bring the issues at home to the job with me. I just am not sure that i will be able to keep the two separate with 12 days straight to look forward to. It is my fear that my quick temper -that i normally have under strict control - will force its way out so i end up snapping at someone whom has done nothing wrong. I am usually calm and controlled at work out of strict training. I have fought to control my emotions since i was little. I got picked on a lot as a child and my family loved to call me a cry baby every time i shed a tear. As i grew up i started to hate my self for every tear i shed. i would try to hide my tears and pain. No matter what the cost i would not let them see me hurt. So now i have a hard time feeling anything but stress. I am very good at feeling stress. That is one of the reasons why i am worried. I could snap at someone if i am tired and stressed and i will not feel an iota of remorse  for it. I would feel bad later after i got some sleep but in the moment i would not care. That is one thing i must try to avoid due to having built a reputation at work for being able to balance anything that is thrown at me. I will not fail at this. My parents raised me to believe you go to work no matter what. Holidays are just days to get more pay. the death of a family member is just another day and you can not change what has happened. you can morn in your own time work comes first.
My dad is the main tutor of this belief. my mom was the fun one and still is.

Degenerative Disc Disease

Long name for such a painful disease. I have worked in retail for 16 years and have always had back issues. I never really thought about it too much. The only two things I remember thinking before I discovered I had this issue are, "wow this is going to hurt", when I had to do something like scrubbing registers or lifting something heavy like boxes. Or ,"Ouch, that hurts- where is the pain killers?", after I did one of those things. Never did I think that it was something more serious. I discovered it was an issue four or five years ago. I was watching TV in my bed room and decided to get up for a drink. Half way up out of bed there was a huge cracking noise and I could not move at all. The pain was unbearable and did not stop. My husband had to move me due to my being stuck in that half in- half out of bed state. I was moving slow and it hurt but I was determined to do my job. Two nights later the same thing happened again only this time the pain was really bad and I could not move with out it hurting. I was hunched over and had to lean on things to move. That was when I decided that I had to go to the doctors to have it looked at. At first the tests showed very little and my doctor could not see what was wrong. But I hate being in pain and not knowing what is wrong. So my doctor saw me so much that he finally sent me to a specialist to find out what was going on-and to shut me up I bet. What my neurologist told me was not something I wanted to hear. I had Degenerative Disc Disease from the top of my spine to the bottom. As if that is not enough to upset me I also had a herniated disc in my thoracic and the last disc in my back was no longer pliable it was one solid mass and between the three the last disc was the worst. To kick a person when their down is not a nice thing but far be it for my body to stop there. While they were taking the last MRI and ex rays for my back surgery on the last disc they decided to look at my neck due to me having what I called phantom pains in my shoulders and neck. Wouldn't you know it, I had a herniated disc in my neck now. Then the doctor tells me it is hereditary and that it will get worse if I do not take care of my self. She then decides to tell me some more good news. If I do not loose weight I could end up in a wheelchair.
When I got done feeling sorry for my self I realized I had to make some major changes in my life to prevent what she described as my future. I have since changed my position in my job to lesson the aggravation on my back. Now I have to work on loosing the weight. I know what you are thinking-easier said than done. You are right. However having admitted that I am determined to make it work. I inherited the disease from my dad and I learned from him that no matter how much pain you are in you never give up. To all of you out there whom suffer from this- I understand and feel your pain. To all of you whom do not- be kind to those that do and do not judge them for leaning on the cart, or walking a little slower. Some times a little kindness goes a long way.

Family are never happy

It seems that no matter what you do your family is never completely happy with you. I am reluctant to ask my family for help not because they do not help me. I am grateful for all that they do and I would be lost without them. I swear that is true. However, while they are helping me or even doing things with out me asking they are very critical of all the little things they see. I know they do not mean it to be that way. I understand it is just them being curious and questioning what they see. That does not make it hurt less though. I love my family with all my heart. For understanding purposes lets make a hypothetical situation. Lets say that they were buying school stuff for the kids to help me out and it was out of the kindness of their hearts. If my kids were not totally excited and grateful for all that they give them my family would find an issue with that. I would be stuck on the phone for hours trying to remind them that they are only kids and borderline teenagers at that. Remember this is only hypothetical and used as an example. When I was their age I was never very excited about the stuff I got for school either. I mean new school clothes and supplies meant that school was back in session very soon and summer vacation was almost over. To  13,11, and 10 year old that is just the end of their freedom for too many months. I was not a fan of school. But I digress, family no matter whose family they are, is never happy. You will constantly fight to explain the details. But where would we be with out them? I for one would be totally lost. I love you guys.